Amazingly simple home remedies

1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2 Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. When confused, remember- everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Quotes (Can't live with them, can't live without them)

'I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.'David Bissonette

'After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.'Hemant Joshi

'By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.'Socrates

'Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.'Dumas

'I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.'Anonymous

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'Henny Youngman

'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'Sam Kinison

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'James Holt McGavran

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'Patrick Murray

'Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.'Nash

'A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.'Milton Berle